What woud I like to do?

I would like to rip some books into two and shred their pages into bits with my fingers.

I would like intentionally run my bike handles against the side of pristine painted cars.

I would like to take some cermaic mugs and glasses and fling them against a wall and watch them break into small fragments.

I would like to pull the hair and scratch the faces of some people I don't like.

I would like to throw my phone across the room.

I would like yell at the top of my voice.

I would like to say cruel and spiteful things to some people and make them cry.

A.W.A.D

Claustrophobia

• a morbid fear of being closed in a confined space wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
• Claustrophobia (from Latin claustrum "a shut in place" and Greek φόβος, phóbos, "fear") is the fear of having no escape and being closed in. It is typically classified as an anxiety disorder and often results in panic attack. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Claustrophobia


• claustrophobic - uncomfortably closed or hemmed in; "a claustrophobic little room"
  claustrophobic - suffering from claustrophobia; abnormally afraid of closed-in places wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn


• Fear of confined spaces. www.usanetwork.com/series/monk/webexclusives/dictionary/phobiac.html


• a phobia of closed spaces or situations which are difficult to escape from. May occur with elevators, escalators, etc., anxiety-panic.com/dictionary/en-dictc.htm


• abnormal dread of being in closed or narrow spaces Blood 2X03 www.askdrscully.com/psychward.html

Erase and Rewind.

This song has been running in my mind constantly for the last two weeks. It's like an addiction I can't get enough of.  Probably because it tells me something that I need to hear but I am not ready to acknowledge... atleast, not yet...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ex2E4vyGem0

Hey, what did you hear me say

You know the difference it makes

What did you hear me say

Yes, I said it's fine before

But I don't think so no more

I said it's fine before

I've changed my mind I take it back

Erase and rewind

'Cause I've been changing my mind

I've changed my mind

So where did you see me go

It's not the right way, you know

Where did you see me go

No, it's not that I don't know

I just don't want it to grow

It's not that I don't know

I've changed my mind I take it back

Erase and rewind

'Cause I've been changing my mind

Erase and rewind

'Cause I've been changing my mind

Erase and rewind

'Cause I've been changing my mind
Erase and rewind

'Cause I've been changing my mind
I've changed my mind

BACK AGAIN...

It's been so long since I last blogged - A period of enforced silence. The reason I did not write was not because I had nothing to say, but, rather, too much. With my head constantly exploding with a gazillion thoughts that begged to be released, I yearned to pour down my thoughts here, but the very fact, that all that I felt was too intimate and personal for public consumption held me back. My outpourings found a different vessel.

Now that the year is over, now that I return to the real world, a world I find myself flapping in like a fish out of water. I look at the clock ticking away and wonder why seconds seem to stretch on like hours. I sit in the home that has been my home for nearly twenty years and yearn to stretch my wings again. *Sigh....*....*Wanderlust....*

......

Reality Check. Downward Spiral.
Laundry List. Stunted Thinking.Set Apart.
Crack the box. Live Life. Moody Blues.
Hootie and the Blowfish.
Stop.Start.
Rewind. Backtrack.
Silent Scream. Cluttered Thoughts. Hold Tight.
Crippled Mind. Fear of _____ ?
Subtle Sarcasm. Define Inituition. Shattered Confidence.
Deep Denial. Intelligence Under-rated.
Unexploited Opportunities. Unmet Expectations.
Risk Neutrality. Knowledge Unlimited.
Sea of Faces. Integrity. Commitment.
Left Behind.
Thriving on Challenge. Shorted Time.
Cruel Humour. Distorted Morality. Perspective Change.
Unsatiated Needs. Bleak Outlook. Ripped Innards.
Bitter Beta. Matter Matters.
Suppressed Depression.
Peter Lynch. George Soros. Desired.
Futile Prayer. Intextricably Linked.
Raucous Laughter. Split Personality.
Destination ________?
Outside. Looking In.
Remember.Remember.

WHAT DID JUST HIT ME?

Little Miss Red Riding Hood
Was skipping in an enchanted wood,
Twirling a daisy in her hand
Humming a song in la-la land

The sun was dancing to her tune
Waltzing along was the moon
A fox was chasing its own tail
down little Red Riding Hood’s trail

Out of the blue, out of the down
Along came an engine screaming its horn
Knocked little Red Riding Hood down
Snorted, sneered and rode back to town

The mourning sun went to hide
The daisies drooped, the moon she cried,
‘Poor little Miss Red Riding Hood
Skipping alone in an enchanted wood’

‘But’, screeched the owl in a loud aside,
‘Why did she hop where engines ride?’

© Deepti Ravi

P.S. In case your wondering, that’s how I feel post my mid terms :-(

ONE DOWN, ELEVEN TO GO!!

It’s been exactly a month since I stepped my foot first into the campus. A month that has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. I feel a little funny to say this, but a part of me is glad that a month is over and that it’s another 11 months to go. It’s quite weird out here. A part of me loves everything about college while another part of me can’t wait for the experience to stop. Coward. Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde.

The last two weeks of life out here has been killing. The studies part has especially been pure torture.So many pre reads and so many post reads to be done. It’s just not physically possible to them all. The first week I bent my back twice over trying to keep up and stay anchored to the shore. The second week? I quit.

In Economics we have been learning this zany concept,

MR = MC.

That’s like this crazy mantra that all of us out here chant like it’s a prayer!! Basically, what it does mean is that it doesn’t matter if you keep increasing your revenues. The name of the game is maximizing your profits. This happens when Marginal Revenue = Marginal Costs aka MR=MC. The reason I mention this is because I feel that studying at ISB feels like a real time application of this concept. MR refers to knowledge,enjoyment in learning and marks. MC is time that could be better spent. As long as the knowledge (marks as well) you gain is more than the time you loose that you could have better spent (in the Recreation centre, sleeping, reading a novel, attending some club meetings),' study'.

I need to however find the equation for TC ( Total Cost) and TR ( Total Revenue) of my life here so that I can differentiate ( I don’t just mean the calculus term) the two and try getting some structure in my life here. Otherwise, I don’t think I’m going to be as happy as I should or could be.

RUT

Why is my each day identical to the next? Why is it that I go through the same motions every single day? Five days of working looking forward to the weekend, the remaining two planning the next five days. The same motions, the same monotony. I'm not bored.But I am wishful. Wanting more out of life, but not knowing what it is that I want. Seeking for something, yet not knowing what it is that I seek.Not loving every moment of my life, yet not knowing what it is that I would love. It's not that I hate the way things are. It's not that I'm always wishful. When I work , I'm obsessed with my work. When I laugh, I think of nothing other than what amuses me. But there are these blanks. These gaps when I start to think. And then I feel sad.
I remember this song called 'Sunscreen' by Baz Luhrmann. . or however his name is spelt. There is this line in the song that goes, ' The most interesting people I've known at forty, still don't know what do with their lives'. I'm a long way from forty,but still.It's no consolation.

That doesn't make you stop wishing that you knew what you wanted from life. I see the musicians who love their music, the writers who can't stop imagining,the actors on stage who love living another role, environmentalists who adore their monkeys, my co-workers who live, breathe their work and I see myself -drifting. Not loving what I do, not hating it either. Sometimes stopping in the middle of the day and thinking. What is it that I'm doing out here? What would I really like to be doing. I listen for an answer to my question.The answer is silence.A deep dark silence.So I stop these these thoughts and continue.Continue in this rut that I am in.

BEGGARS CAN BE CHOOSERS!!

You know what? The person who coined the phrase ' Beggars can't afford to be choosers' deserves to be hanged and quartered. That has to be the most inappropriate, irrelevant and incorrect phrase I have ever heard. Beggars are some of the choosiest people I have had the misfortune to meet!!

Wonder why I seem to be fuming, ranting and raving about beggars?
Because I had this really strange,hilarious yet humiliating experience with a beggar lady last night.

My friends and I had gone for dinner to this place called 'Eden'. After our meal we were standing below and exchanging meaningless nothings when this old woman came begging for money. I normally have this strict policy of not giving money to beggars.It's not that I don't pity them. I do. But I admire the honest living of a ragpicker more than the aimless existence of a beggar. I give money to really old people,people who are maimed and to kids who sing on trains or sweep compartments and ask for money in return for services rendered.In the latter cases especially, there does exist a satisfaction of money well given 'cause you do recieve value for your money- a refrain or a marginally cleaner compartment.I never give money to people who look like they could earn it.

Anyways, getting back to the point, this old lady came up to us,knocking her cane against the pavement and asking for money.I guess the good food ( the Food at Eden is awesome!! )made me mellow.So I dug into my handbag, hunting for some coins to give to her.The ony thing I could find was one 50 paise coin and a couple of hundreds.Obviously I could not, or rather would not give her a hundred. So I thought , "what the hell? Every paise counts" and gave the coin to her. Imagine my chagrin when she said,"Ayyae!!8 Annas, keep it yourself.Take ( Ayyae! aet anna.Neiyae vaechukko. indha)".

I got so completely pissed off that when she reached the coin out to me, my mind rebelled and I reached my hand out and took the coin back from her and dropped it back into my bag instead of scurrying away from her in embarassment( As they expect you to do). A really cheap thing for me to do(: ) : ) but i'm quite proud of myself ;) ) but I seriously felt that the lady deserved absolutely no consideration from me.

Once a friend of my cousin's wife( just to be precise ;) ) told a small beggar boy to come to his house and he would pay him four hundred a month if he would be a gardener. And you know what the boy replied "Get lost.Just give me your money. Why should I work for you for four hundred when I earn thousands each month this way?".

You would think that a person who does not do a thing to earn their living has absolutely no right to sneer at the leavings of one who does.

That's why I think the person who invented the phrase 'Beggars can't afford to be choosers' deserves to be hanged and quartered.

MY LIFE AS A FRESHER :( AKA THE OMINOUS THREE 'O' THEORY (Courtesy :Megha )

The other day my Dad called out of the blue in the middle of the day and asked me ,"What are you doing?". Not wanting to befuddle him with technical lingo ( *ahem,ahem* , I liked using that.., but do not pledge to its accuracy), I replied, " Nothing much, Dad".To which he said " Oh? On the bench are you?". Quick to rise was my anger. My dad's remark was not particulary accurate. True, the work I do is nothing mind boggling but I was most certainly not on the 'Bench' as my dad put it.

A couple of days ago my brother in law ( ha!! The lucky soul who got to marry my sis!!) asked me, " So what's up at work?". Brutally honest I replied, " Don't keep asking me that question. The work I do is extremely monotonous". Then I hit the nail on the head! Eureka, I thought and then exclaimed to him " You know what? I am nothing more than an overqualified, overpaid, overworked data entry operator".And that precisely sums up my job.
Explaining the adjectives,

Overqualified - Data entry operators do not require a Bachelors in Computer Science and Engineering ( alas, also with a First Class with Distinction) !!

Overpaid - Have you heard of typists earning 17 K a month?????? :0

Overworked - I don't know the meaning of 9 - 5. My company expects me to log in an average of 9.5 hours a week : ( :( .And that is just on paper. Reality could quite easily stretch those hours!!

Therein I discover my true worth in the industry!!

TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY CONCERN...

To whomsoever it concerns

I hereby solemnly pledge that the below stated facts are true to the best of my knowledge -

1. I hereby reiterate that I have indeed completed by Bachelors of Engineering and am not a III std pass, leave alone a XIIth pass as you seem to presume me to be.
2. I also believe myself to have completed my Engineering degree in Computer Science.
3. Further more I do indeed know how to operate a computer and do NOT require a step by step manual on how to switch it on and be taught how to use a WORD document or how to fill in numbers in an Excel sheet.
4, Oh, I also do know my numbers of 1-9 and have indeed learn how to add, subtract, multiply and divide contrary to your inability to believe so.
4. I also declare myself to not have an IQ of -141.
5. In the certainty of your disbelief, I request you to approach the Human Resource Department and obtain a copy of my resume and photocopies of my original university and school certificates( oh, my!! they do exist!!) which attests to the afore mentioned facts.


Thanks and Regards,
Deepti