Some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE , I'M BROKE

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man..

'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'

P.S. Courtesy Vikram H who forwarded it to me and lightened my day!! :)

INSPIRED WRITING ON TOILET WALLS!!

I got this awesome forward today in which some budding poets had unleashed their creativity.. It had me positively laughing my head off ;) Here goes.....

The budding poet!!

Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in toilets.

I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

There are also people who come in for a different purpose...

Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...

Toilets walls also double as job advertisement space.......
(written high upon the wall)

If you can piss above this line,
the Singapore FireDepartment wants you.

Ministry of Environment advertisement.

We aim to please!You aim too! Please

On the inside of a toilet door:

Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

And finally, this should teach some a lesson... Sign seen at a restaurant:

The hands that clean these toilets also make yourfood...
please aim properly.

Wasn't that really good?? ;)

A VISIT TO TIRUPATI

On Saturday, my sister and I decided to make an impromptu visit to Tirumala. We boarded a volvo at Majestic at around 9.30 in the morning. We reached Tirupati at about 3.30. After buying tickets for a Darshan we started our climb. It took us about 4 hours to reach the top, but was absolutely worth it. The mountains in the dark were tinted red with the setting sun and cool breeze washed itself against our faces. It was beautiful.

On reaching we booked a room. When we went to collect the key, I made a rather terrible faux paus. The guy at the counter asked us " Are there men?" in telugu. Not to be proved any inferior, I decided to reply back in Telugu. I said "Odhu" ( No in my dictionary). He jerked his head upward stalling in whatever he was writing and said "What?". Deciding that he was rather deaf I repeated "Odhu". He looked rather stunned and my sister was suddenly jerking me back. I turned to her and said " Did I say anything wrong? What does Odhu mean?". With a very embarassed smile directed towards the counter guy she whispered to me "It means Dont Want". I was like "Oh" and then burst out into paroxyms of laughter. Luckily the guy at the counter seemed to have a decent sense of humour. He smiled and gave us the key.This was probably at around 9.00 in the night.

When we went to the room, much to our misfortune the loo was disgusting, the room not cleaned and the mattresses were damp. After much debating we decided that god would certainly forgive us if we didn't stay for a Darshan. We immediately returned the key where we had a lively argument with the counter guy, refusing to pay cash for cleaning the room. Saw no reason to. It had not been cleaned for us. We saw no reason to pay when we had not even occupied the rooms. We then went to the office to collect our caution deposit. The young punk at that counter actually demanded 10 bucks to give us back our CD. My sis was all set to pay it, when I just turned to her and was like " Forget it. There is no way we are paying a bribe in Tirumala!!!". Grabbed the money from the punk's hand and ran out of the place. We then boarded a bus to Tirupati and from there took another bus back to Bangalore at arount 11.30 in the night to reach at 5.30 in the morning.

We were feeling extremely guilty for not having had a Darshan so had a bath and left for a Balaji temple at Domlur to assauge our guilt. End of a trip which was a series of unfortunate/fortunate events!!!!!

THE SUDOKU CRAZE!!

2 weeks back, as usual in the morning my dad woke up and rushed to the balcony with his steaming hot coffee in one hand and the morning newspaper clutched in the other.I,just as any other day,had to wait till he finished. In the evening, when having dinner I remarked to him about the bombing in Egypt killing 80 odd people.With a striken look on his face, he leapt from the table,exclaiming "Is it?" and rushed to pick the paper and read the headlines.I was like "Dad,you monopolised the paper for so long this morning.How in the world did you miss the headlines?". For which he said with a very sheepish look on his face "I am getting so addicted to Sudoko that i forgot to read the paper.Directly skipped to the last page to solve it..".All for the love of Sudoku!

PARSLEY IS GHARSLEY ! ( Part Two)

Read Part One ..Candy is Dandy first...

Didn’t have the heart to cut Ogden Nash short. Decided to keep you rolling on the floor with laughter, by adding on some extracts from his most hilarious poems and limericks.

This one which is one of his best is can you believe it , about standing without purpose on the road?

One of the hardest explanations to be found

Is an explanation for just standing around.

Anyone just standing around looks pretty sinister,

Even a minister;
………………………………..
Well, should any official ask you why you are just standing around,

Do you wish you could simply sink into the ground?

My dear sir, do not embarrassed, do not reach for your gun or your knife,

Remember the password, which, uttered in a tone of quiet despair,

is the explanation of anyone's standing around anywhere
at any hour for any length of time: "I'm waiting for my wife."

A few of his limericks about animals.

The cow is of bovine ilk;

One end is moo, the other is milk

The ant has made himself illustrious

Through constant industry industrious.
So what?
Would you be calm and placid,
If you were full of formic acid?

Ogden Nash also gets credit to having written the shortest poem ever.

Purity is obscurity.

On parents. This is a high five to all kids.

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.

But my favourite of all is his poem on visiting the dentist. This is what initiated my fascination towards Ogden Nash. I remember having it as a text back when I was in school.

This Is Going To Hurt Just A Little Bit

One thing I like less than most things is sitting in a dentist chair withmy mouth wide open.
And that I will never have to do it again is a hope that I am againsthope hopen.
Because some tortures are physical and some are mental,
But the one that is both is dental.

It is hard to be self-possessed
With your jaw digging into your chest.
So hard to retain your calm
When your fingernails are making serious alterations in your life line or love line or some other important line in your palm;
So hard to give your usual effect of cheery benignity
When you know your position is one of the two or three in lifemost lacking in dignity.

And your mouth is like a section of road that is being worked on.
And it is all cluttered up with stone crushers and concrete mixers and drills and steam rollers and there isn't a nerve in your head thatyou aren't being irked on.
Oh, some people are unfortunate enough to be strung up by thumbs.
And others have things done to their gums,
And your teeth are supposed to be being polished,
But you have reason to believe they are being demolished.

And the circumstance that adds most to your terror
Is that it's all done with a mirror,
Because the dentist may be a bear, or as the Romans used to say, onlythey were referring to a feminine bear when they said it, an ursa,
But all the same how can you be sure when he takes his crowbar in onehand and mirror in the other he won't get mixed up, the way youdo when you try to tie a bow tie with the aid of a mirror, and forgetthat left is right and vice versa?

And then at last he says That will be all; but it isn't because he thencoats your mouth from cellar to roof
With something that I suspect is generally used to put a shine on a horse's hoof.
And you totter to your feet and think. Well it's all over now and afterall it was only this once.
And he says come back in three monce.

And this, O Fate, is I think the most vicious circle that thou ever sentest,
That Man has to go continually to the dentist to keep his teeth in good condition when the chief reason he wants his teeth in good condition is so that he won't have to go to the dentist.

Classy, aint it?

CANDY IS DANDY,BUT LIQUOR IS QUICKER! (Part One)

The British always believed they had the monopoly to humor. This belief lasted right until Ogden Nash appeared as a tiny blip that grew into a massive blot on the literary radar. An American writer and poet( with a city Nashville already named after an ancestor of his) ,who first started his career as a journalist, Ogden Nash took the world by storm with his writings which were at first read hilarious-second,insightful about the vagaries of daily life.
Take for example this,

The Lord in His wisdom made the fly,
And then forgot to tell us why.

Celebrating Leos. Nash was born on August 19, 1902.



One day radio director Tom Carlson found to his dismay that his dog had destroyed an autographed copy of one of Ogden Nash's books. Although the book was out of print, Carlson managed to find another, which he duly sent to Nash with an explanation - and a request for another autograph.
The book was soon returned, with an inscription from the author: "To Tom Carlson or his dog, depending on whose taste it best suits."

Ogden Nash never got to graduate from college. His first published work was a pretty good poem titled ‘Spring comes to Murray Hill’ which was published in the ‘New Yorker’.

Nash, not just wrote amazing poetry, but also wrote books for children. Famous among these are ‘Cricket of Caradon’ (his first) and ‘Custard the Dragon’. Children loved his books because it addresses them as equal to adults. Quite an appeal isn’t that? I can remember when I was young; I used to find it extremely irritating when adults would take that sing song tone and utter quite nonsensical nothings when speaking to me. Did you find that as irritating as I did?

Enough about his life story. Let me get onto why I find Ogden Nash so fascinating. Apart from the humor in his writings, what is really quite remarkable is the way he managed to make a parody out of the most mundane things in life. From Christmas, to wealth, to husbands and wives, to animals, visits to the doctor, children standing on his feet, he succeeded in deriving amusement out of the simplest instances in life. And if you scraped below the surfaces of humor, you would find that his writings had hidden depths. A unique perception to all things mundane.

Any poet would admit that getting those words to rhyme is one of the most difficult tasks unless one is quite practiced at it. The most enviable trait in Nash is that he never broke his head over getting his words to rhyme! He simply created new words or altered the spelling, pronunciation,- the everything of existing words to make them fit his sentences.
And I think he must be one of the only poets who not just got away with it, but was also appreciated for it! A classic example of this would be a poem which he wrote about ‘rhyming his poetry’.

English is a language than which none is sublimer,
But it presents certain difficulties for the rhymer.
There are no rhymes for orange or silver
Unless liberties you pilfer.
I was once slapped by a young lady named Miss Goringe,
And the only reason I was looking at her that way,she represented a rhyme for orange.
I suggest that some painter do a tormented mural
On the perversity of the English plural

Isn’t that atrocious, yet at the same time marvelous?