Missing You Appa

Sometimes when I sleep I dream of you. It rarely happens. Since you died I could count the instances on one hand. But when I wake up in the morning, they have been my happiest nights. To just have you alive with me one more time.

The first two times I rewrote history. Was sweeter to you before your surgery. Kissed and hugged you hard instead of brashly trying to brush you into your surgery while secretly worrying about giving you a cold from my is it an infection or my sinuses acting up drippy nose. Gave you words of confidence and courage after your surgery to recover and come back and be with me. Met you every day in the ICU instead of heading back home to rest. Returned back from the ICU. When I woke up, my heart was singing with joy. Every single one of my regrets I had reversed. I just wish it had been true. 

The next time we were at home post surgery. I was content through my disbelief. Daily humdrums.

I wish you came more often to me in my dreams. It's the only way I can keep you alive with me as a moving picture. Miss you so much Appa. I wish time were not linear forward. It is so empty without you.

How does the caterpillar feel?

I wonder about the caterpillar.

If it could express it's feelings would it rail at the world?

Would it be angry that people seem to wait for it to turn into a butterfly to say,'How Beautiful'!

Or would it be eagerly waiting with humming excitement for the day it turned into a butterfly?

For when it stop being so mediocre and became something that could fly and look beautiful?

Or would it just chomp away at the leaf rhythmically, living for each day

In uncaring indifference of what comes next.

Or would it wish to be acknowledged for being who it is

Placid in life, content to just nibble at the leaf

Not really longing to become the butterfly